Church

I might actually be able to go to church today. Normally I can't because I'm not able to wake up early enough for morning services (including the 11am ones). This is because my husband works evenings, and so do I, which means we're "day sleepers". Apparently a life style that does not meld very well with church attendance.

I have tried depriving myself sleep to go to church. All this has done is made me incredibly cranky and unable to remember anything I heard at church. I feel like it's pointless going to church if that's how I'm going to behave.

Why, oh why, have churches gotten rid of evening services? I like small group studies as much as the next, but it's incredibly inconvenient for any new person to the church to try to figure out where and when small groups are being held and which group they ought to be in (as no one knows them well enough to place them). I've tried contacting people, trying to get someone to help us, but no one does.

It also feels invasive when you (or me), a new person, tries to join. It's like you're the odd man out who doesn't know anyone or how anything goes and everyone treats you slightly suspiciously. (Or like they're trying to win you over.) It just doesn't feel natural.

There are a few churches that still have evening services, unfortunately they are not the churches I want to go to. It's mostly Baptist churches that still come together in the evening. And they are..... the more conservative bent Baptist churches. Which might have been fine 4 years ago, but I'm still recovering from Faith Baptist. (A type of church I don't ever want to go to again.)

The thing with church attendance is it's a choice between rarely seeing my husband and go to church, or see my husband all the time and never go to church. The thing is that while I value church, I value my marriage more than it. And I can't have a marriage if I never see my husband.

This is a no win situation for me. Either choice will make me unhappy and I've long since realized that. Some people might say that I'm putting my marriage before God by not going to church. However, my view is that both church and marriage are a God-centered activity. Neglecting either hinders my relationship with God.

That being said, in the practical human aspect, I can't have a relationship with a husband who's never there. God is always there, He is always available. I can have a relationship with God even without going to church, though I know that is not optimal. I can't have a relationship with my husband if I never get to see him.

Don't misunderstand, I'm not so stupid that I think one can have a perfect relationship with God without going to church. Church has value, church is part of a healthy Christian life. I value church, I like church! Even after that horrid experience in Misawa I still want to go to church. I still want to be a part of a body of believers. It is something I value. In fact, I value it more for it's absence right now. I mourn about not going.

My current view is this: I look forward to the times I can go to church. I look forward to a day when I can go to church consistently. I have hope that day will come, and God will someday make it happen. Until then, I do my part to remain spiritually active and growing despite my circumstances.