I've been thinking about my "salvation experience" lately. The reason being because, how can you talk to someone about Christ if you do not know him yourself? So it got me thinking about my story. Ah, which is always a bit depressing.
You see, most people have these strong recollections about their salvation experience. They remember going up to an altar, sitting in their bed, a conversation... something. I have nothing of the sort.
I have always had a horrible memory, and this extends to every aspect of my life. I have almost no memories of my life before 12 years old. What memories I do have are very vague, so vague that sometimes I'm not even sure if they happened or I imagined them. Because I was saved, or at least Baptized, at 8 years old I don't remember it. (Though I got some vague memory of my Baptism... though perhaps I only have that because I was nervous/excited about getting "dunked" under water. I can't say for sure.)
Well, this puts me in a bit of a bind. Lots of people like to share their conversion story to others as a way to show "Hey, this Jesus is real and I can prove it with my life!" But I can't do that because I have no "before and after". And of course there's the Pastors up their preaching about that "old man" who use to do all these awful sinful things and I'm thinking "I can't even remember my old man!"
That frustration often turns to doubt because no one else seems to understand where I'm coming from. Almost everyone gets saved in their teens or adult years. My husband, who got saved at 5 yrs old, says he remembers it! How could I have forgotten? Didn't I think it was important?
But I know I must have thought it was important. Because I *do* remember at around 10-12ish (see what I mean?) asking myself "Do I believe in Christ just because my parents do? Is this my faith or theirs?" I struggled with this question for days, because I didn't want to go on pretending to believe in something just to make my parents happy or to "fit in".
I finally concluded that I accepted Christ for myself, not to make my parents or someone else happy. I decided to follow Christ for His sake, not for anyone else's. And, at least I hope, that's what I've been doing ever since.
And I don't think I'm not saved. There are too many indicators in my life that say I've got God's Holy Spirit in me. The easiest ones to spot (and frankly the most boring ones) are a desire to go to church consistently, to read my Bible, to study theology and Biblical history, and pray no matter how awful or good I'm feeling. Could a person without the Holy Spirit be like that for years on end? I don't think so.
But this still leaves me without a "before and after" to tell people. How can I explain the wonderful life-changing sacrifice of Christ to someone without any "before" to give them? This is what I've been asking myself lately.
The closest answer I come up with, it doesn't seem to satisfy really. It seems so... so.. wishy-washy and lacking somehow. But I shall give it now, and we will see over time if it's worth anything:
"There is a God, and He has been with me my whole life. I have laughed and loved, and He shared in my joy. I have stumbled over my words and embarrassed myself, my family, my friends, but He was not embarrassed of me. I have cried so hard I couldn't move and feared so deeply I couldn't breath, yet He was there. He gave me the strength to go on, to move forward. And when I was over-whelmed by life, He was their to comfort me, to re-assure me that He is faithful and will never leave me to fend for myself.
If you are to say "What physical proof do you have that there is a God?" I couldn't tell you. I have never seen God, or touched Him, or heard an audible voice. But there's something inside me, something so strong that even when I am at my most doubtful, my most hard-hearted, I can't ignore it. Even when I want to just give up and pretend like I never knew Him, I can't. I can't deny it, I can't deny His presence. It's an impossibility for me.
And how did I get to know this God? This being who created this universe and all in it? I know Him because of Christ. He who lived, died, and rose again for all the wrong doings all of humanity has ever committed. I simply believed in what he did. By simply believing in the truth of Jesus' action, I went from an enemy of God to His adopted Daughter.
So that is how I know God. I'm His daughter."
See? My testimony is so... boring. It doesn't have the same punch that testimonies from former Abusers, Druggies, Alcoholics, Cutters, Thieves, etc. They can be all like "See the difference in me? I don't do [insert badness] now! This is the difference that Christ makes!" The only "difference" I can talk about is all the things I haven't done, and frankly that's not worth talking about.
I don't mean to sound ungrateful for what I have, by no means. I really love having God in my life. I wouldn't trade that for the most fantastic unbelievable but-it-really-happened conversion story. (Lemme tell ya, 17 years with God is better than any awe-inspiring conversion story.)
But still... I just don't know if my conversion story brings "anything to the table" so to speak. Would it cause people to stop and really consider the sacrifice of Christ? The forgiveness and new life He offers? Or would it be just some more weird/ignorant Religious person rambling added to the cacophony of other religious ramblers? I don't know, I don't know.
Not that I'm worried about it so much as a little frustrated.
That's all I've got to say. Take it or leave or throw a Fuzzy Bug at it. :P
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