How do I put this?
For a long time I've felt a sort of pointless wandering about myself. What am I suppose to do? What's my purpose? Who am I? What's my worth?
I've always loved drawing. When I was younger I'd go through mountains of paper and never finish one picture. Just the act of drawing, of creating, was exciting to me.
As I got older I realized that people were expecting something of my art. It seemed that, specifically within the Church as whole, the only time anyone was ever truly pleased with my work was when it was "Christian". And by that I mean when it had a Christian moral message or blatantly referenced God or something Biblical.
This annoyed me. It's not that I didn't want God to be in my work, but there was something so fake about how I was going about it. I was not particularly interested in confining my creativity to easy moral messages and quick call-outs to God. It was shallow, it was boring, and it just wasn't interesting.
Why, I lamented, were Christians so easily amused by such shallowness? Why did they always settle for art and music and stories that were so simple? Why did they let themselves be satisfied with the uninteresting, the boring, the "safe"? Didn't they feel a calling for something deeper?
God is interesting. God is deep. God is never boring. Creativity that reflects God is inspiring, it's challenging, it takes our minds and hearts to new places, and when we're done we walk away somehow full, satisfied, better people then when we started.
I felt like I was being called in two different directions. One told me to be moral, upright conservative, predictable, easy to understand, "family friendly", and never talk about really difficult issues. Be good, and don't have too much fun. The other said; be wild, be free, make people laugh, make them cry, make them sigh with longing for a "otherness", follow those "bunny holes" to see where they lead, ask the disturbing questions. To reflect something beautiful and holy.
Inside of this slow nerdy person, there was a fire that burns all the time. It cries out to be free, to be wild, to reach out and grab something higher, purer, holier, than anything to be found on this silly little mudball of a planet. Always that desire was in the back of my mind, the back of my heart. And when I created, it felt like I was channeling that desire, that fire, I was giving it a place to go, and I was alive.
But for a while, I forgot. My heart forgot. I settled for something less, and I lost myself. Desire, what was that? Fire, what did it feel like again? What did it mean to be alive?
I became afraid. Who was I? Why was I here? What was I suppose to be doing? I lived in fear of losing myself, become less, of never really living again.
Recently, though, I got to thinking about it all over again. Did I really draw just to please other people? Because it was all I was good at? No, that can't be quite right. I liked showing off (obviously I'm not perfect) but I drew because I loved it. I knew I was free because I could draw. And when I drew, I felt free.
What have I been doing to myself these last 8 years? Am I total and complete moron? How could I have thought, even for a little while, that I could find happiness some where else? Why did I willingly chain myself down, making myself and everyone else miserable? I mean, seriously, what the crap?!
I feel like I woke up. Or more like, I feel like I'm waking up.
I'm a very slow person. Just, in general, I tend to take things very slowly. So it took me a long time to realize something was wrong, then to figure out what it was, then to know how to fix it, and then how to regain my equilibrium.
So here I am, very slowly getting myself back in order. And I realized something, I realized what I want to do.
I want to create something that reflects, even just a little bit, of the wonder and holiness of God.
Lets get this straight, I don't mean I'm gonna be making any masterpieces or writing great literature. I just don't have that in me and the pressure to do it would kill me creatively. I certainly don't mean I'm gonna make anything "American evangelical Christian". Ugh. I'd rather never draw again than do something substandard and restricting like that.
How do I describe it? You know when, as a Christian, you feel a... an... inner flame, right? I'm sure there's some sort of proper word for it but I'm not quite sure what it's called. It's that thing that makes you happy that God exists. It's that thing that's constantly tickling the back of your mind and heart and reminding you that there's something more than just what you see, feel, or hear. It's that thing that wraps you in peace, that tells you you're forgiven, that scolds you when you've done wrong.
That thing, I want to show that to other people. I want to make something that feels like that.
This isn't about converting people to Christianity. The simple method is best when it comes to that. You want people to be Christians? Then you share Christ and his Resurrection and live like it matters. Anything less is just making things complicated.
No, this is all about my longing to just bring a little bit of heaven down to earth. I want to reflect a bit of God's glory and goodness in the only way I know how: to be creative and to do it well. And if I am ever so fortunate, perhaps something I do will help someone else or significantly change their course of life (in the good sense).
I can do it, I know I can do it. Not because I've got something in me to do it, but because surely God wants others to know of His goodness, holiness, and all that makes Him worthwhile? And if He's with me, then how can I not succeed? So I can definitely do it.
But slowly. Very slowly.
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